Over the years I’ve worked in many different roles, for companies big and small and finally for myself. The biggest hurdle I face every day are the voices of doubt in my own head. This is not exclusive to those who are self-employed, I faced it when running on the hamster wheel for the big corporates too.
It’s 5am and I’m sitting at my computer, already having worked an hour. The voices scream so loudly some days I simply can’t sleep. So I don’t. I get up at ungodly hours of the day and night and tap away at my computer, hoping that if I tick one more thing off my to-do list the voices will shut up. They don’t.
I’ve searched high and low for the ultimate set of metaphorical earmuffs to keep the noise out, but I’ve realised you can’t block them out – you have to GET them out. They’re coming from the inside. It’s my own mind doing all of this. From meditation to yoga and even religion, I walked down the paths to look for the answer, but it was always right there inside of me.
I need to be at peace with myself. My life. My choices. Easier said than done…
Working full-time, part-time or ‘whenever you can find a spare 5 minutes around your family’ can be consuming when you’re an over thinker. I can be sitting playing Jenga with my son and remember that I forgot to send off an invoice two weeks ago. Sometimes I’m watching my kids play in the sandpit and I jump up with such force my chair clatters noisily and the kids look at me aghast. Why? Simply because I have remembered an email that I have not answered.
I feel like I’ve had a lightbulb moment on this damp Autumn morning.
I’m living my life for what is going to happen. I’m living for tomorrow not today.
My mind swims with thoughts of bills that are coming, projects that are looming, possible issues that may arise…and I’m missing out on what’s right in front of me. Today.
I’m missing the bulbs that are pushing their way out through the dark soil to give our grey Autumn some colour. I’m missing the sunshine that comes with a child’s smile or the words “I love you” from a sleepy mouth. I’m missing the achievement of finishing a project and signing off on a happy client. I’m missing all of this because my mind is already two steps ahead thinking about what tomorrow may bring.
So today I will make myself a promise. I will attempt to live in the moment, to enjoy what this day has brought to me and I’ll stop and smell the roses. Literally.