I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I’m floating above myself and looking down at someone else’s life. I wish.
Over the past 4 weeks I’ve written many blog posts that have sat in the ‘draft’ folder. I wrote because I needed to get the words out, but I didn’t want to share them. Because that makes it real. I’m still undecided as to whether I’ll hit the ‘publish’ button this time. Do you know why? People who blog will get this. They’ll GET it. There’s something cathartic about blogging, typing out your feelings and knowing that someone, somewhere in cyberspace is reading and they GET it. Others will think “why is she sharing these intimate moments with a bunch of strangers?”. It helps, that’s why.
My son has been limping for about 4 weeks now. We’ve had some initial tests done and today we’re having more. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I want answers. I want fucking answers today. Someone tell me why they’re doing an ultrasound on his left hip?! Someone DO something. Tell me I’m being neurotic and he’s ok…because I feel sick to my stomach. My eyes keep leaking.
I’m living in a crowded space of people and activities but I feel so lonely it’s crippling.
The news came through at 10:30 that we needed to arrange further testing and I was due to go and see a client at 11. I couldn’t let her down. I dried my tears and walked into her business to burst into tears again. She was incredibly understanding and I left with the promise to re-schedule our appointment. Work can wait. Work has to wait.
I define myself as a working mum, but really, the ‘mum’ part comes first. ’Mum working’ just doesn’t have the same flow. This is a working women’s blog, but ultimately, the work part has to come second to more important things. Things like this.
So this afternoon I’ll scoop my little man up and take him for further testing and hope that they simply label me a neurotic mum and tell me there’s nothing wrong.
Please, please if there’s a God out there, let them tell me that. I’m happy to be neurotic. The alternative just doesn’t bear thinking about.