Lonely in a crowded space

 

I feel like I’m having an out of body experience.  I’m floating above myself and looking down at someone else’s life. I wish.

Over the past 4 weeks I’ve written many blog posts that have sat in the ‘draft’ folder.  I wrote because I needed to get the words out, but I didn’t want to share them.  Because that makes it real.  I’m still undecided as to whether I’ll hit the ‘publish’ button this time.  Do you know why?  People who blog will get this.  They’ll GET it.  There’s something cathartic about blogging, typing out your feelings and knowing that someone, somewhere in cyberspace is reading and they GET it.  Others will think “why is she sharing these intimate moments with a bunch of strangers?”.  It helps, that’s why.

My son has been limping for about 4 weeks now.  We’ve had some initial tests done and today we’re having more.  I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I want answers.  I want fucking answers today.  Someone tell me why they’re doing an ultrasound on his left hip?!  Someone DO something. Tell me I’m being neurotic and he’s ok…because I feel sick to my stomach.  My eyes keep leaking.

I’m living in a crowded space of people and activities but I feel so lonely it’s crippling.

The news came through at 10:30 that we needed to arrange further testing and I was due to go and see a client at 11.  I couldn’t let her down.  I dried my tears and walked into her business to burst into tears again.  She was incredibly  understanding and I left with the promise to re-schedule our appointment.  Work can wait.  Work has to wait.

I define myself as a working mum, but really, the ‘mum’ part comes first.  ‘Mum working’ just doesn’t have the same flow. This is a working women’s blog, but ultimately, the work part has to come second to more important things.  Things like this.

So this afternoon I’ll scoop my little man up and take him for further testing and hope that they simply label me a neurotic mum and tell me there’s nothing wrong.

Please, please if there’s a God out there, let them tell me that.  I’m happy to be neurotic.  The alternative just doesn’t bear thinking about.

  1. Mandy
    April 30, 2012 | 12:27 pm

    You’ve hit the nail on the head, you’ve got your priorities right and the rest you’re going to have to trust will work out.
    Thinking of you.
    Mandy recently posted..Recipe: Slow Cooker Lamb ShanksMy Profile

    • workingwomenaustralia
      April 30, 2012 | 12:35 pm

      Thanks Mandy x

  2. Michelle Doole
    April 30, 2012 | 1:11 pm

    OMG I so get it! This is coming from a woman who was 40 weeks pregnant & helping her husband pull an engine out of a truck in the rain while our 2 children played amongst the grease and oil on the floor in our workshop, who 48 hours before I gave birth was on the side of the highway spewing with my 3 year old at the same time while on the UHF making sure no one ran up our ass (it was 9:00pm at night and again I was on my way home from both a stretch & sweep and a break down)and who then the next afternoon was ordering parts in between contractions only to pick them up the next morning with a new born in my arms. You are so not alone and OMG I get it!

    • workingwomenaustralia
      April 30, 2012 | 4:18 pm

      lol You DO get it. There are times when we need to put our work in second place, but sometimes it’s hard to recognise that. I’m so glad I had such an understanding client today, because I’m in a much better headspace now and will be able to reschedule with a clear mind.

  3. Melissa Mitchell
    April 30, 2012 | 1:24 pm

    Oh Kim. Kim. I had no idea! Damn. I’m so sorry C is having a rough time. PLEASE talk to me if you need a shoulder, you know how to find me. And keep us updated?
    Melissa Mitchell recently posted..Happy Days in May ProjectMy Profile

    • workingwomenaustralia
      April 30, 2012 | 4:21 pm

      Thanks Liss. You know what it’s like though, we have times when it just seems so overwhelming I didn’t want to bother others with my neurotic behaviour. That’s what blogs are for, right?

      We’re home now, ultrasound all done and waiting for results. I have a feeling this is the start of a long road of testing, but I’m feeling much better about it than I did this morning.

  4. Peta-Jo
    April 30, 2012 | 4:04 pm

    *hugs* Sooo frustrating when you can’t find the help you need to make your babies better!
    (And I too have plenty of drafts. Know exactly what you mean.) xx

    • workingwomenaustralia
      April 30, 2012 | 4:22 pm

      Thank goodness for the ability to write draft posts, right? It’s my therapy. Much cheaper than the real thing

  5. a-m
    April 30, 2012 | 4:21 pm

    I hear you. About the ‘Mum working’ bit, about the being ‘alone in a crowded space’ bit, about the ‘please tell me there’s nothing wrong bit’…. one thing’s for sure, no matter what the outcome, now that you have shared, you will NOT be alone. In my darkest days, my blog readers have carried me. Don’t regret hitting the publish button. This is your life. This is real. Thinking of you, with my fingers and toes crossed. A-M xx

    • workingwomenaustralia
      April 30, 2012 | 4:26 pm

      Thanks A-M. It’s amazing the bond of friendship you can forge with someone through their blog. I feel such kinship and understanding through the words of my readers and through the bloggers I follow. It makes it so much better to know that there ARE others out there who understand. One day at a time, right? x

  6. Kelly Exeter
    April 30, 2012 | 5:01 pm

    Oh Kim – the whole ‘not knowing’ thing is the ABSOLUTE WORST. I really hope this most recent test gives answers and not another “let’s do another test shall we”. What a nightmare :(
    Kelly Exeter recently posted..Always striving, never arriving?My Profile

  7. kelley @ magnetoboldtoo
    April 30, 2012 | 7:40 pm

    I am hoping you are neurotic.

    Bloggers are great at being neurotic.

    Sending you all my love and good vibes that it is nothing.

    xx

    (PS 179 posts in my draft folder that will never ever see the light of day)

  8. Caz Makepeace
    May 1, 2012 | 8:58 am

    Oh I hope you find out soon. I’m sorry and I understand. I wrote three posts just on Friday that I know I won’t publish. Feels good to get it out and sometimes that’s all we need to do and we can make it all better on our own. Sometimes we hit publish because we need that little bit of extra support
    Caz Makepeace recently posted..A drowning dilemmaMy Profile

  9. Louisa
    May 1, 2012 | 9:07 pm

    I’ve had your post open since yesterday and thought I’d already commented but must have imagined it. Yes, I completely get this – totally!! I hope you are feeling a little less lonely x
    Louisa recently posted..How To Start A Blog – The EbookMy Profile

  10. [...] recently spoke quite candidly about a personal situation I was going through.  I was absolutely amazed and so grateful for the support I received. [...]

  11. Silver Huang
    May 16, 2012 | 2:45 pm

    Mum comes first. Period. No questions asked. I do hope that everything will turn out fine, that there’s nothing wrong.

    And yes, that’s why I turned to blogging to begin with more than 10 years (and several hundred blog incarnations) ago. It is cathartic in a completely different way from a private journal.

    In a journal, it is the writing that is cathartic. In a blog, it is the pressing of the publish button that is the trick. And I think we need both. Different functions to fulfill different needs for different situations and times.
    Silver Huang recently posted..Why Are Intangible Perspectives Important To Your Reality?My Profile

  12. [...] on with my son.  He’s been limping since Easter and I’ve spoken about my concerns here and [...]

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